I still want neutrality.

Three days ago I was unidentifiable as male or female. I leaned way further towards the masculine side of my identity; baggy pants, a loose-fitting sweater and a collared shirt. No gendered jewelry - no jewelry at all asides from my ring. There was no makeup, my hair wasn't "done," and there was nothing noticeably feminine about my appearance. No one held doors for me or addressed me as "ma'am." I got confused looks from people trying to categorize me as they passed me. I received verbal identification at the hands of other people.

Today I'm wearing a short skirt, a low-cut shirt, tights. A complimenting bra. My hair isn't done but it's a bit less disheveled. I am, unmistakably, a woman. People are holding doors for me. I'm getting female pronouns like no other. I even feel a bit like a woman.

With a simple outfit change and the wind switching directions, I can create and change how people perceive and treat me. I like the flexibility, but sometimes, it isn't comfortable.

Even when I get dressed to go out, I have to take into account where I'm going and who I'm going with. The location and environment I'll be in determines how safe I feel in either gender. When I go to urban areas at night with friends, it's a huge battle - I feel more comfortable as a masculine being, because I know the dangers women are presented with in these areas. But I also think, what if I run into someone who isn't as comfortable with my nonconformity as those I'm with? Will I be harassed more for being a woman or for choosing not to appreciate that?

What it comes down to is that I am always both. Whatever personality I choose to present as at a given time, the other half is still inescapably alive. Even on days like today, when I feel as though it's appropriate to present as more feminine, I find parts of myself still feeling horrifically uncomfortable in feminine clothing; I keep readjusting to try to make myself less obvious, less exposed.

I enjoy the privacy that comes with presenting as masculine, but I equally enjoy the privilege that comes with aligning my gender representation and my biological sex. That's a privilege that only cisgender people know, and it's still one I'm learning to accommodate. With this privilege comes a sense of guilt, a sense of obligation. I feel a little bit like Peter Parker. When I choose to present as feminine, I feel a responsibility to educate people that yes, I'm a woman today. But regardless of how I look or act, I still prefer gender-neutral pronouns, and I still have obvious male tendencies. It doesn't just confuse them, it confuses me too. How can I expect to be cisgender on one day and semi-transgender the next, and maintain that I still have a right to live between these worlds? It doesn't seem fair to those around me. The duality in my own body and mind are a great source of conflict, and I'm still working out how to live out both ends of it, without repressing one or the other.

In learning to embrace both sides of my identity, I've learned a lot about respect - self-respect and respect towards others. I'm beginning to see evidence of ambiguity more and more often, everywhere I look. In a way, not being certain of who, or what, I am, is making me more certain of who I want to be and what I want to find in the world around me. Seeing people's varied reactions towards my various selves is an educational sociological experience, and it's always different.

To realize, every day, that the world and everything in it remains in a constant state of change (a bit of an oxymoron), is to realize that there's a new kind of freedom out there. To be unsure in a sure world is to receive a little gift every single morning.