It's been a few days since my last post, but between school and work, I'm trying to find a good balance in time management that also lets me sleep, so my apologies. I have a lot going on this week so I might not be posting on the daily, but I'll try to make this one deep enough for lots of post-thought.
Tonight I'm going to touch on the topics of the gender spectrum and separatists within feminism. Maybe not separatists; maybe the tiny little sub-unit of feminism that deals with gender equality for those with "alternative" gender identities. A lot of people imagine feminism is all about equality between men and women, and I guess they'd be right - but what about everyone else? What about those who don't identify as either man or woman, but both, or neither? What about people like me? What about people born with male privilege but willingly give it up because it doesn't feel right to them? Their bodies don't line up with who they feel they are. Doesn't feminism defend them too?
Of course it does. Most of the time we forget that feminism isn't just a "women's movement," even though women are the hugely responsible party for its growth and successes. Men who stand in solidarity, as feminists, supporting those they love and care about; white people defending the rights of ethnic minorities, praying for equality in their own lifetimes, heterosexuals fighting for equality for the LGBTQ community...all over, we are seeing these extreme examples of binary opposition come together and take a stand. What happens when you're trapped in the middle of the binary oppositions?
Let's say this is my "coming out," for now. For as long as I can remember I've known that been sexually attracted, emotionally attracted, always attracted to women. Because of that, it seemed easy and made sense to identify as a lesbian, because hey, I'm a female who likes females and that's all it is. Even with this sense of identity at such a young age, I always felt there had been something missing.
I would (and still do) go through dress-wearing, make-up using stages where I even cross my legs properly, and behave in all of the stereotypically "feminine" ways. Other times, I enjoy my boxer briefs, baggy pants, high-top sneakers and button-downs. I even become more aggressive in my behavior (not threateningly, just a tad more sarcastic, a bit more cold). For the longest time, I was unsure of how I felt or who I was. I was so confident in my same-sex attraction, that I never bothered to think of myself as anything beyond that. Within the last two years I had begun questioning whether or not I felt true to my sex, and whether I was transgender, needed to try out in a drag king competition or whatever else. I've been dealing with a lot of heavy dysphoria since my early teen years, and I'm finally beginning to realize why.
So how does this identity crisis relate to feminism? Just because I choose not to identify as "female" or "male," does not mean I am choosing to distance myself from a fight for what is equal, fair and deserved. As a mostly androgynous being, you can see me as either disadvantaged to view either side of the argument, or in a better position to see both sides. I am not trying to deny the subordinate position given to me at birth when I was called "female," and I'm not trying to "steal" the male privilege by blurring my own gender identity. I am not trying to offend, hurt, castrate, mutilate, murder, or in any other way damage others' perception of gender or of me; I am simply trying to be true to how I feel. For that, I am discriminated against. I am hated, I am judged, I have customers refuse my help, I often feel like I'm in the wrong restroom, getting frustrated at the lack of genderless restrooms. I have trouble shopping for clothes and I have to swap my wardrobe out every so often to better suit who I'm feeling at the time. Sometimes your use of pronouns make me uncomfortable, but other times your hesitation does. I'm not picky, I'm just still trying to figure it all out for myself.
As a biological female with some masculine traits identifying as a lesbian, I hate being told that I have to be "butch" or a womanizer. When I show up wearing make-up I am treated as an entirely different person, even being told I'm "pretty." What if I don't want to be? Somedays I have more time, sometimes I'm more into it (it being the traditional feminine representation), but they are few and far between and for good reason. I would rather be mistaken for a geeky, tiny boy than be objectified as a woman in an urban setting. Every week we get emails from the campus reporting attempted rapes or robberies and if I actually take the time to read them, before sending them straight to the trash, it occurs to me how real the danger really is. The fact that I am still afraid while I walk in the parking garage is a testament to that - I'm not even necessarily afraid that I'll be raped, but more that some "man" will take it upon himself to "convert" me or something in that realm of logic. I am afraid that I will be raped, not as a woman, but as a hate crime victim, which will, in turn, affect every other aspect of myself.
So where is the line between defending feminism and taking up the cross as a woman, and doing such as something more? At what point did I stop fighting for gender equality as female to gender equality as something else? Or was I always working within myself, just not realizing it until I had been encouraged to push even my own limits? How can I reconcile the rights I am fighting for as a woman with the rights I am fighting for as a lesbian, or the ones I fight for as genderqueer? Is there even a way?
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