The University of Cincinnati hosted a Diversity Conference today, and the entire event was amazing. My only regrets are that it only lasted one day, and my inability to clone myself (and being able to attend more than one discussion in each block).
The ones that I did go to included "Practicing Feminist Leadership," which essentially (to me, at least) discussed to common disconnect we see between feminism and leadership. I have often seen feminists as leaders, but realized today that this was primarily relegated to their own community. How often do we see leaders integrating a feminist lens with other leadership strategies or programs in a non-feminist-centric situation? This discussion was led by two facilitators of the previously mentioned WILL program, and they did a wonderful job introducing the concept of activist leadership in an academy atmosphere.
The second one was led by the Racial Awareness Program (RAPP) facilitator, and "Somewhere To Go: A Journey Toward Inclusive Bathrooms" addressed something that has been a very personal matter for me. As a transgender individual on a college campus in a fairly conservative city, it can be difficult explaining the complexity of bathroom politics to cisgender friends. Rebecca did an excellent job of approaching this topic, and breaking it down to understandable terms and situations. Few people understand the true hardship of navigating gendered restrooms when they haven't been challenged by a question as "basic" as gender. This isn't a fault of such individuals, but rather a fault of society at large, and a calculated risk when we decide that everything in human nature is a binary opposition of one form or another.
Both of these discussions posed questions about the harm of such binary oppositions: one about the oppositional nature of leader and follower - how these do not necessarily have to portray the power distribution we typically identify them with, and how being an active follower, rather than a passive one, can allocate just as much power as a leadership position. By deciding what we follow, we become leaders, even if just of the self. "Somewhere to Go" addressed the harmful and exclusive - sometimes even inappropriate- nature of gendered restrooms that remain within the gender binary. The speaker gave examples of how the RAPP program works around such issues, creating gender-neutral restrooms for its programs, as well as "intermittently-gendered" restrooms, with adjustable signs.
They both gave the audience a lot to think about in terms of "who" we are, and what that identity gives, and takes away, from each individual.
I also made it to "Body Love and Positivity: Revolutionary Ways of Critiquing and Re-learning Ourselves" and "Queering the Queer: A Critical Analysis of Homonormativity through Performance/Performativity." These two held their own importance. Body Love reminded me that we don't have to be "women" to appreciate the idea of self-love. As a transgender individual, I often feel uncomfortable with most aspects of my sexed body. This talk, however, reminded me that it is crucial to be gentle and loving towards ourselves, as much as we would be towards our partner or friends. It is hard to remember that we deserve this love, especially when our bodies feel like a cage, a trap set for us, a way of confining our identities to a universe and realm the majority will understand. I grew up learning (very effectively) to hate my body, and did everything I could to change it. I would starve and mutilate myself, exercised excessively (say that three times fast...), and constantly worried about how I looked. The worst part of this was that it wasn't because I didn't think I was pretty enough. In fact, all of this was a direct result of feeling "too pretty." This is a radical and absurd concept to a lot of people, especially because I look typical. But the abuse I put myself through stemmed directly from me not seeing myself as "handsome" enough. I lost weight in an effort not only to maintain some control and to balance myself for eventing - in equestrian disciplines, smaller is often better - but because I hoped maybe it would make my ass smaller, or make my breasts disappear. It took me a long time to become comfortable with a body that, when rendered defenseless (read, naked), was unambiguously female. I tried to combat the lack of effect by wearing looser clothes and adopting more masculine behavior, which I still portray today. My gender dysphoria led to an entire host of other problems, psychological and physical. These problems, in turn, created their own negative consequences. Because of all of the complications I faced, I slacked off in my schooling and am still picking up the pieces, three years later. I had to leave my dream job because I was no longer physically strong enough to do it properly. I was no longer able to ride horses or show competitively, because not only was I not strong enough or fully physically developed, but because I wasn't able to hold on to a job long enough to support my endeavors - the result of catastrophic emotional damage I had done to myself. It has taken me years to understand how all of this has been intertwined, and when I finally acknowledge it, in rare moments such as this, it takes a lot of effort for me to not hate myself. I fell into a trap that society set for me. If I'm not good enough at being a woman, maybe I have to be a man. And if I'm not good at that, either, there's really something very wrong with me. I saw myself as broken, damaged goods, irreparable - for a very long time. I let this affect my relationships and every other area of my life, and I also let that damage teach me a lot about myself and the world I live in.
I have learned that sometimes what you need is a bridge. An in-between. A gray space. For a few people out there, this gray space is the only "safe" space to exist. For these individuals, like myself, trying to divide in black and white can be deadly.
Even in the feminist and LGBTQ communities, these "borderland" identities can be risky. I acknowledge my initial fear about identifying as trans* was centered around whether or not my feminist friends would think I was betraying them. I didn't know how they would react, or how I could explain that I wasn't a transgender man, but rather someone who didn't fit into either of the binary genders so commonly given to us. I wasn't so easily simplified by a check in a box, by an M or an F. I am very fortunate to be involved in such a great campus community, that sees me beyond this, and that allows me to exist in that gray space while embracing both extremes when I feel it is appropriate to do so.
Long story short, I'm glad I was able to participate in today's events. They were not only eye-opening, but they served as a valid reminder of important lessons I have learned, and that I am still learning.
No comments:
Post a Comment